Wednesday, August 27, 2008

...welcome...

Years ago...many years ago, I used to send out a Quote of the Day to a pretty big list of friends and acquaintances and along with it I'd typically add some commentary which would range from musings on the big life questions or just timely observations based on incidental occurences in my every day...


I've been thinking about those days a lot lately and I've been really missing the time I used to spend in constructing those thoughts, sometimes motivated by a quote, sometimes motivated by an event which would enable me to connect with my like minded souls out "there"...


So, I've decided to start again via a slightly different medium this time and while I may not be able to commit to writing each and every day, I'll try to be as frequent as I can...with a full-time career, a loving and supportive husband, a mini-me 16 year old daughter and almost four year old twin boys, that may be more difficult than I'm anticipating, but I'm willing to try...


I was one of those keener geeky kids right from the get go...yes, I used to program Commodore 64s in the Gifted Program in elementary school, I was using email in 1994 and for being in IT and Telecom for the last 10 years it does somewhat surprise me that I've never really availed myself to the realm of blogging, especially since I always fancied myself a writer (can you really fancy yourself a writer though when you've rarely written anything in the last number of years besides the odd short story or commentary or Notes on FB??)... nonetheless, whenever I go back and read some of my musings from (WOW!!) ten years ago I realize that I still enjoy reading what I had written then and more times than not the people that were included in my list responded positively to what I was sharing as well, so it couldn't have been that bad...


WARNING TO THE READER: I am honest to a fault at times. I most certainly share too much information at times too. I was reading a book a couple of years ago on ADHD in women and while that characteristic of one's personality can sometimes lead to one being diagnosed, for me it's really more about sharing to survive...that's the way it's always been for me...


So, in an attempt to keep my ego in check, I'm actively accepting the fact that you may not care one way or another about what I have to say or what I have to share...in that sense, this blog is more for me than for anyone else. This is me being self-full and sharing because I've always needed to and now I've found the the strength to be really open...if you find some affinity or some commonality, or if I bring a smile to your face or a tear to your eye, then great...and if I piss you off, ...also great!!!...I've never been one to shirk away from a bit o' controversy and intellectual dialogue...what I will avoid all together though is flaming, name calling, finger pointing et al...it's just not my gig...


So, why Siddhartha's Daughter?...


About 25 years ago or so, I clearly remember my father and I driving eastbound together along Sheppard Avenue in Toronto. I think it may have been around the time that my parents were separated briefly so I may have been around 12 or so...which also means that we were probably having a pretty open and direct conversation about his and my mother's relationship...


My father was more or less my friend growing up; not so much an authority figure, but someone that I could hang out with and spend time with or watch sports with (I was the son my father never had in some ways) and once in a while he would drop these prophetic, hugely impacting little zingers in my lap, usually to be realized well after the fact...


In his typically non-chalant fashion, my father turned to me and said, "you know Karen, there's this book called Siddhartha and I think you'd really like it"...


It was many, many years later that I was hanging out at Book City in the Annex and I saw this little blue covered book and I recalled my father mentioning its title to me, so I picked it up...and quite simply, it changed my life...


Siddhartha is one of the most beautifully written stories I've ever read. Hermann Hesse, in my humble opinion, was one of the most lyrical, astute and insightful writers of the last century. His simple story of one man's journey towards the discovery of himself left me speechless and touched me on many levels. I had no idea then how influential or resonant the book would really be in my life.


It was years after I had first read Siddhartha when I started to really investigate and explore Buddhism. At the time I was in a relationship with someone who was the perfect Buddhist muse; he was shallow, self-serving, narcissistic, manipulative and emotionally immature (did I mention that he was also an actor...?!). I don't say these things to be cruel, for I truly hope for his sake that he's changed since. Throughout my relationship him, I challenged myself to be as altruistic as I could be. How much of myself could I give for the development of someone else's soul? How much of my ego could I put aside for the betterment of someone else's life and personal growth?


The answer, at the time, seemed to be ...quite a lot actually...


Unfortunately, or fortunately (however you may look at it and I've looked at it from both perspectives over time) I'm not a Buddhist nun and the reality is that I had my own growing and discovery to go through and was certainly not in any position to be "all that" for someone else without totally losing myself in the process. Another reality is that there are people that will use you and abuse the gifts that you give them; the abuse of my gifts was something that I was not emotionally able to handle well and it has literally taken me over a decade for me to forgive myself for allowing myself to be so poorly treated and to heal the emotional wounds left behind...but I'm working on it...actively...hence, Siddhartha's Daughter...


I relate it to being much like when there's a rock 'n roll, fashion, writing or film icon, and then their offspring participate in the same mediums as them...the parental influence is obviously there, but there's not usually a ton of pressure on the children to be as iconic as their parents...which is great, because as you'll clearly see if you care to come along and join me in some discovery and observations that I ain't got nuthin' on Buddha...

3 comments:

KSD said...

lookin' fwd to the journey, pal...

KSD said...

K, that first comment was from the hubby...!

Victoria, Jeff & Maverick said...

ba ha ha ha!
classic.
as I said in my FB comment.. keep on writing and keep on sharing coz they don't come any more real than you gorgeous.

I'm in!